The Best Julien Baker Lyrics (And What They Mean)
From the album Turn Out the Lights and song Conversation Piece
Maybe it’s all gonna turn out alright / Oh, I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is — Appointments
When we reach the bottom of the barrel, the only thing pulling us out of there is our own strength and belief to surpass that mental obstacle. Here, even though Julien is filled with a sense of resignation that things will not become better (“Oh, I know that it’s not”), she chooses to holds on to a tinge of optimism, the belief that there is reprieve from suffering (“but I have to believe that it is”).
After the success of her debut album, Sprained Ankle, and with her newfound platform, Julien felt a moral responsibility to write songs that rose above pure self-indulgence about her depressive state. She wanted to assign a “discernible meaning to pain” and convey a sense of hope.
However, if you see this “hope” as denial instead, you’re not the only one. Julien has reframed her perspective of this song and now sees this particular line in Appointments as “literally the experience of denial”. Perhaps there is truth to that: the blind clinging to optimism in our darkest moments, in spite of knowing all too well that things are only taking another turn for the worse.
But maybe such “denial” doesn’t have to be interpreted by us as an ignorance of challenges to come. Maybe we all have to resort to a little hope and desperation in order to get through the worse and come out of the other side alive.
I know that you don’t understand / ’Cause you don’t believe what you don’t see / When you watch me throwing punches at the devil / Ooh, it just looks like I’m fighting with me — Shadowboxing
When we’re grappling with mental illness, we aren’t battling with something that’s visible or tangible to others, much like a boxer fighting an imaginary opponent (shadowboxing). Our actions and behavior may thus appear bizarre and frustratingly confusing to others. It’s an isolating feeling when no one is able to comprehend our emotional turmoil.
Burn everything down to prove you could / Leave me inside in a body made of wood — Sour Breath
The imagery in Julien’s songs is often viscerally strong and hard-hitting. In just two simple lines, she conveys a sense of brutality and finality of a relationship with a partner who is as self-destructive as she is.
Their relationship is left broken and completely unfixable because of Julien’s partner’s refusal to commit to it (“Burn everything down to prove you could”). Helpless, Julien is also left with “a body made of wood”, one that is flammable and deeply scarred by the aftermath.
’Cause I’m an amputee with a phantom touch / Leaning on an invisible crutch — Televangelist
One of Julien’s best songs, Televangelist is filled with incredible lyrics from start to finish, A standout lyric is one where she likens herself to an amputee. It’s a reference to her struggle to pull away from drugs and alcohol and overcome mental health issues.
Even when she attempts to cut an unhealthy coping mechanism out of her life, a painful but necessary action, amputating it doesn’t quite erase its traces. It’s ingrained in her; she still feel its pull, similar to how amputees experience phantom sensations in a missing limb (“’Cause I’m an amputee with a phantom touch”).
But such sensations can’t be counted on. For example, while a missing lower limb still feels like it’s part of our body, trying to walk on both legs would just lead to us falling down. Likewise, Julien knows that these unhealthy coping mechanisms are unreliable sources of support that would only worsen her health and well-being (“Leaning on an invisible crutch”).
This year I’ve started wearing safety belts / When I’m driving / Because when I’m with you / I don’t have to think about myself / And it hurts less — Hurt Less
This lyric stands out in Julien’s discography because of its uncharacteristically positive message, with it being an ode to friendship. It can be confusing to understand, however, if you’ve never struggled with self-harm. So let’s break it down more clearly!
We buckle our seat belts for an obvious reason — to protect ourselves in the event of an accident. It’s a form of self-care, a small yet significant act. However, when we are depressed, It’s something we may neglect or make the conscious decision not to do, simply because of our tendency to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Julien used to be adamant on not wearing a seat belt.
But when we are with people who matter to us, our self-hatred and problematic thoughts temporarily shift to the backseat (“I don’t have to think about myself” / “And it hurts less”). That’s because these people are our source of comfort and inspire us to do better and be better, not just for ourselves, but monumentally more so for them. Hence, we wear out seat belts.
Hurt Less is a good reminder to look beyond ourselves; that is, to care for others, to be aware of the impact we have on those around us, and to set aside our sense of self for just a moment.
Pump the vitals out of my wrist / ’Cause I’m conducting an experiment on how it feels to die / Or stay alive — Claws in Your Back
Rarely do we come across an artist as raw and unfiltered as Julien.
If I had it my way, I would be a ghost / And abandon the white sheet / God, it’s so hard to be seen — Conversation Piece
It seems like nothing escapes the unnerving gazes of some people. Yet, even when they look at us, they don’t really see us.
It’s painful being misunderstood or dismissed, to overexplain ourselves or try to verbalize convoluted thoughts that go over their heads. So much so that it would be a relief to not just blend into the background (“be a ghost”), but to disappear completely (“And abandon the white sheet”).
Wouldn’t it be a kind of relief if all traces of us, mentally and physically, are free from any perceptions and expectations?